I don't know

I don't know, sometimes I'm fine and then things happen and the next minute I'm not. It's interesting, and I only use that word because I like it. Like today for instance, this morning I was fine, I was happy, looking forward to a fun Easter Monday with friends and family, and then the family arrived and everything sort of fell apart as they sort of, not quite, ignored me and just went straight to their friends in the family who did things with them. I'm not the most social person, in fact I'm very unsocial. Not because I don't want to be but because there is an invisible wall that prevents me from interacting with other people. I've tried, but it seems impossible to cross. But just because I'm unsocial isn't a reason to ignore me. The sad thing is, and the hard thing, they probably don't actually realise what it's doing to me and I can't tell them because I cannot cross my wall. We're both hanging off the deep end and not really much we can do.

At least, I don't see what I can do. If people talk to me, I will happily talk back and hold a conversation for as long as it will go because there is nothing I like more than talking to friends. I just can't really start conversations. So when they arrived and just went into their select group of friends who all are friends because they play the same damned Elder Scrolls Online game, I am pretty much excluded because I know nothing about it and therefore can't enter the conversation. I'm not stupid, I'm actually quite smart, but they never talk about anything I know about so I'm never included. That gets me down.

I only have two friends I can seriously talk with, and that sucks. So this being my blog I figured it would be okay to post this here, just to let it out. I need to let it out sometime other wise it will continue to build on top of other issues I keep inside and if they are not let out I am certain I will go mad from it.

Another thing that gets me down is family getting upset. Now I don't want to really go into too much detail on the people involved because I think it's kind of private. I mean, I'd tell you absolutely everything but I don't think other people would like that. This person, right, has a job and there aren't really set times for the shifts. I mean they will ring you up just before a shift is about to begin and ask you to work. Now this person has the opportunity if they want to say no. We had things happening today, the person had to work and they weren't happy. They got back tonight expecting certain people to be home but other people have lives and can only stay a certain time out. The person was unhappy, of course, that's understandable, but constantly getting upset every time you miss out on something sort of is starting to annoy me and get me down. I don't really have a right to get annoyed at this person, but I do.

I have no idea the whole point of this blog post, it probably doesn't make sense to anyone reading this but I felt I had to let it all out. The main point of it is I think I would hurt myself if I didn't fear hurting myself. And the one person I'd tell how I've been feeling to have help I don't want to tell because I don't want to complain or make them worry. But this has been building for a while and it's a joint effort of everything which is made out of nothing. That makes it even worse, but I don't know what to do.